Moving

Moving sucks. At first I was actually kind of excited. It's something new, you know?

But.

OMG

The packing, while working, especially while working during an exceptionally busy time. Then there's the move itself. Exhausting. You finally get it moved. Then you're standing in your new place at 1am thankful it's all in. Crap. Now you're realizing you're tired and are starting to feel muscles aching you forgot about. You want nothing more than to crawl into your bed and sleep. Wait.. Crap... The bed's not set up and you have absolutely no idea where the box is that houses the sheets and blankets. Not to mention the pillows.

You sink slowly onto the sofa, which thankfully required just bringing in and setting down... Ahhh, just relax here a minute, close your eyes so you don't have to see all these boxes cluttering up the place...

A thing free life

I'd like to embark on a less cluttered life. One were I have less stuff. A lot of the stuff I have I probably don't need and likely won't use ever again. I hold on to it... just in case. The few times I've gotten rid of things and then needed them later makes it harder. They negate the times that I've gotten rid of things and then not needed them. (Not sure but it's probably less of the former and more of the latter too.)

One reason I'd like to do this is because I found out yesterday I'll have to move soon. Having to move less stuff would be good. It would be very good. I'm not sure how I'm going to single-handedly move what I have. Some of it I can carry if I rent a truck. Others not so much - like the couch. There are things I know I couldn't part with. (Like a certain book collection.) I'm sure though that clothes I've not worn since I moved here can go... as well as other books. Not to mention kitchen stuff I likely won't use or old hair stuff. Not to mention an assortment of papers, knick knacks and socks. (I have a lot of socks.)

I suppose I could apply this to my internal baggage too right? Should I still be feeling guilt for a snarky comment made to a girl when I was 14? (Even though it was motivated by what my young brain thought was a good idea it was still not nice.) Is it really necessary to still feel like I need to apologize for that over 15 years later? Especially since I did apologize years ago. No, not really. I need to let it go. It's interesting too how some internal clutter can be connected to the exterior clutter you keep around.

If only internal clutter were as easy to pack up and be rid of as exterior. 

Lacking Enthusiasm

I have a sad lack of enthusiasm for fireworks any more. The last few years I've had no real desire to seem them on the 4th. I bet tonight's will be an amazing spectacle and the first I would see here in CA... if I were making any effort to see them. I'm not.

I don't know why. I'm sure they'll be amazing and beautiful. They could potentially be unique. I have the opportunity to watch them from an amazing view but I really can't muster any enthusiasm to do it. I realize the point of the holiday and it's amazing to know that we still celebrate using fireworks much like we did for the first celebration. I wonder how fireworks have changed since then.

Quick Changes

It's amazing how quick our thoughts, our emotions or even our life can change. My move to here was quick. But today... well, my general mood has been the same all day and the weather reflects it well. I realize one thought I had today is also a reflection of that. (I was thinking maybe I would just go back, but I don't really want to do that. I do love living here.)

It's a rainy, gloomy day. I feel sad and glum. Today would have been my brother-in-law's birthday if he hadn't passed away earlier this year. It's also a rather uneventful day here at work so I have less to focus on. I tried listening to music and focusing on my emails (Which are in desperate need of massive focus) but I kept hearing songs that made me think too much and well... I really don't want to cry. I thought about just going home but as the only official person in the office, that's not the best idea either.

So here I sit. Trying to focus on the emails and occasionally staring out the window into the grey gloom, watching water stream down the windows.

Fat girls can dance too

Now, no one has ever told me differently but I've let my struggles with weight dictate my actions for sooo long I stopped myself from doing it. It took 3 tequila strong margaritas and some pumping music to bring it back to me. One of the best things about going out with my friends in college was the dancing. Actually, it was second only to hanging out with my friends.

Am I good at it? Most likely not. I'm not expert in the field and I can't see myself so I can't really judge. However, chances are... no. I probably look jerky, uncoordinated and without rhythm. I know my hair frizzes to unbelievable proportions (especially when it rains as it did last night) and my face gets very red and shiny. And now there's the added bonus of being more jiggly than I used to be. But you know what?

None of that matters.

What does matter is how I  feel when I get out there and "shake my groove thang." And all I feel is the music and the dance. I can forget the work that needs done, the little things I've forgotten to do, the stress of the week. I can just let it go and enjoy. Just have fun. This is what I've been stopping myself from doing? Why?

Ultimately, it was because I cared too much about what others thought and not enough about me. I don't even know if anyone around noticed me, what I was doing or how I looked doing it. (Not counting the people I was with of course.) There were a couple random people too. Otherwise I doubt the rest paid even the scantest attention; if they did I didn't care. If they were lucky they were as involved in their own dance as much as I was in mine.

I felt happier than I have in a very long time, more relaxed and upbeat and just plain good. I hope this is a lesson I can remember for the next time I have a night out.

Long time no see...

I was actually blogging on a another site. (sorry! It was only temporary; I promise!) That site went down, hasn't come back up and requests for a status have gone unanswered. So, I'm back to my reliable site. I'm glad too.

I just found out, thanks to my old posts, that I've been a non-smoker far longer than I realized. I thought I still had a week or so. Turns out it's been over a week to hit that year marker. Yay! I'll justify the bike purchase over the weekend as my reward. And the rebounder... both of which make my health better too so it's win/win, right?