I had a dream

Unfortunately, it wasn't as world changing as MLK Jr's dream. (Not to mention my was a literal dream!)

I dreamed that I smoked on Day 7, without even realizing it. I have no idea where I got the cigs, especially since they weren't mine. They were what I smoked awhile back but haven't smoked in some time. There were other people around but I can't visualize who it was. I looked at the cigarette and at them saying "I just smoked without even realizing it! What's wrong with me?!

I think it's a good thing though that I was disappointed. I remember in the dream thinking "Well, crap, that just ruined my streak, now I have to start all over again!" I won't type what I said in the dream.

Is this my subconscious encouraging me to keep on going? Or just a manifestation of my fixation?

Either way I'm taking it as a good sign. I need to celebrate Day 8!

Day 7

I'm well into Day 7 now. I still don't think I'm ready to hang out with other smokers. (Sorry family!!) But I made it through two long phone calls, which are a trigger, and am working to make it through a business type thing away from home which is another. I have a lot of triggers. 

So far so good. I get some intense seeming cravings but they seem to pass. Seeing other smokers will still trigger them too. (Word to the wise - watching X-file reruns while trying to quit is a bad idea. CSM smokes A LOT.) I also can't watch those quit smoking commercials. They show people smoking and talking about how hard it is. Really? No kidding and you aren't helping. Thankfully I don't watch much TV and most of what I do watch is DVR'd so I can just FF through them. Ha - take that evil smoke inducers.

Still going strong

Wow, I've come very close to cracking and have had some irritable moments but for the most part, so far, I'm okay. I have to avoid going anywhere though, at least in the car. That makes it harder. As silly as it is I've also been wearing sweats and doing even less with my hair . . . so I don't want to go out in public.

I wonder how long the desperate urges will continue? I actually peeked at one of my "smoking spots" to make sure I didn't have any cigs left. If I had, I would have smoked. If I'm around another smoker I know I will too, if they'll give me one.

I have to laugh at myself. I feel like I'm tying down my inner self which is screaming, "Gimme, gimme, gimme! Now! I want one now!" But of course that's not showing on the outside, except for some deep breaths, sighs and tapping. At least I think so. I guess I could really be super crazy and have no idea how my resistance and urges are showing to others.

Back on the wagon

All the time with family and in the car over the weekend culminated into too many triggers for me and I caved. But now I'm back and I can't write anymore because it's making me think too much about it. Back later.

Ugh . . . Hmmm

It feels very off to not be going for that last cig of the day. I went downstairs to get fresh water for the night and the routine just felt off. Then I realized what it was - I wasn't going to smoke. Part of what's going to be hard is just breaking the habit and routine.

Honestly, there are times the only thing that makes me think about having one is the routine. I wasn't thinking about it before it was "time." Now, that's not always the case. There are certainly other times I think about it outside the routine but it's amazing how those silly little routines we get ourselves into can trigger it.

This stinks, figuratively speaking

Now that the hub-bub of the holidays is past I decided to try yet again to become a non-smoker.

(Although I believe and what I've read supports it, smoking is like alcoholism. Once a smoker, always a smoker; it just gets longer between smokes.) Of course, since it's hard to put smoking out of my mind right now I could be a little biased.

I've tried in the past to do this and succeeded for a little while at times and failed others. Oddly, the times I've succeeded for any length of time I lost my job soon after. That makes me a little nervous. I guess if I lose my job, such as it is, this time I'll at least have one less outgoing cost.

I'd like to save that money but it's hard to take it out of my account and put it somewhere else. I'll still attempt it. It would be nice to see that little nest egg and use it for something fun as a reward. My cousins and I had talked briefly about a trip. Although I don't know that I'll save enough for that. But I could then get my passport. lol Perhaps every time I feel an urge I should work on the red tape aspect of getting it. By the time I have all the proper papers and approvals I should be well cured!

Sorry to ramble and bore you dear reader. In case you haven't guessed blogging to whine is another method of distraction. Hopefully, I'll be able to soon take the focus off quitting and blog about something else. I don't know how helpful a distraction is when all you do is talk about what you are trying to distract yourself from. Although, to be honest, the urge, while not gone is not as intense as it was when I started this post. How 'bout that?